The Olympics opening ceremony- as it happened.

The following is an exchange between your humble correspondent and olde friend whom I shall call "Oh". It took place via Skpe during the opening ceremony as the athletes came out.

**LANGUAGE WARNING**
[8/08/2008 10:51:07 PM] Thomasr said: I predict the couldron will be lit Barcelona style but using a trebuchet instead of a bow, and flaming dissidents instead of an arrow.

[8/08/2008 10:51:13 PM] Thomasr said: thoughts?

[8/08/2008 10:54:12 PM] Oh said: a giant wok

[8/08/2008 10:54:32 PM] Thomasr said: filled with burning tibetans?

[8/08/2008 10:54:59 PM] Oh said: why give them a platform

[8/08/2008 10:55:19 PM] Thomasr said: ...when you can give them a BBQ?

[8/08/2008 10:55:41 PM] Oh said: nice to see so many soldiers dressed up as ethnic minorities and doves though....

[8/08/2008 10:59:25 PM] Thomasr said: now comes the bit I love. The re enactment of the guy in front of the tank RUN THE FUCKER OVER!

[8/08/2008 11:00:39 PM] Oh said: the green games !! did you catch that. perhaps our government should order industry shut down 15 minutes before the Kyoto deadline on pain of death.

[8/08/2008 11:01:12 PM] Thomasr said: I dont see why the Chinese should stop opening a new coal powered electricity plant every 30 fuggin days however.

[8/08/2008 11:01:23 PM] Thomasr said: [btw: powered by aussie coal!]

[8/08/2008 11:01:27 PM] Oh said: rick birch doesn't mind going the not so snide hack

[8/08/2008 11:01:37 PM] Thomasr said: did he miss out on this one?

[8/08/2008 11:01:50 PM] Thomasr said: It's like an Eistedford with unlimited budget.

[8/08/2008 11:01:58 PM] Thomasr said: rick b is Mr G with money

[8/08/2008 11:02:41 PM] Oh said: chinese michael bolton

[8/08/2008 11:02:52 PM] Thomasr said: has better hair however

[8/08/2008 11:03:51 PM] Oh said: who's the whitey?

[8/08/2008 11:04:14 PM] Thomasr said: Andrew Lloyd Webber’s ex Sarah Brightman

[8/08/2008 11:04:48 PM] Oh said: it's a massive Benneton ad

[8/08/2008 11:05:19 PM] Thomasr said: those firecrackers are made out of human fat. That’s a fact.

[8/08/2008 11:05:47 PM] Oh said: tibetans burn brighter

[8/08/2008 11:06:04 PM] Thomasr said: but shorter dude. c'mon. we all know that after much trial and error

[8/08/2008 11:06:55 PM] Oh said: i know but they make that great deep humming noise on the way down

[8/08/2008 11:07:51 PM] Thomasr said: christ they have brought out Sandy Roberts... where's Lorraine Dick when you need her?

[8/08/2008 11:08:46 PM] Oh said: did i just see the peruvian pipers from the vic market?

[8/08/2008 11:09:27 PM] Thomasr said: sure. It's a multi cultural event.

[8/08/2008 11:09:46 PM] Thomasr said: look out, here come the asthmatics, I mean athletes

[8/08/2008 11:10:15 PM] Oh said: only 202 to go

[8/08/2008 11:10:35 PM] Thomasr said: those greeks look fucking smug "oh look, we invented this shit"

[8/08/2008 11:10:47 PM] Thomasr said: START THE SHOOTING I say

[8/08/2008 11:11:18 PM] Oh said: well its the only thing the chinese aren't laying claim to inventing tonight

[8/08/2008 11:11:41 PM] Thomasr said: I think the chinese skipped on inventing global warming.

[8/08/2008 11:11:56 PM] Thomasr said: they just do it better than anyone else.

[8/08/2008 11:12:07 PM] Oh said: and torture

[8/08/2008 11:12:29 PM] Thomasr said: WTF? what are the turks doing coming out first? Are the Kurds coming out last? Do they have to keep them apart?

[8/08/2008 11:12:55 PM] Thomasr said: bugger, what if the Cypriots come out next?

[8/08/2008 11:13:00 PM] Oh said: in order by Chinese characters. Australia 3rd last

[8/08/2008 11:13:33 PM] Oh said: Turkmenistan.

[8/08/2008 11:13:35 PM] Thomasr said: oh bollocks. How did that happen? RUDD WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Fix this shit

[8/08/2008 11:13:46 PM] Oh said: borat

[8/08/2008 11:14:06 PM] Thomasr said: Ah I see now.

[8/08/2008 11:14:17 PM] Thomasr said: who is last?

[8/08/2008 11:14:24 PM] Thomasr said: Taiwan right?

[8/08/2008 11:14:52 PM] Thomasr said: though I bet the announcer says "taiwan!!!!.... taiwan...?..... Taiwan????....????????"

[8/08/2008 11:14:56 PM] Oh said: there is no Chinese character for Taiwan

[8/08/2008 11:15:05 PM] Thomasr said: then we'll just go to the lighting of the tibetans.

[8/08/2008 11:15:58 PM] Thomasr said: Malaysia look like a cert in the sodomy heptathlon...

[8/08/2008 11:16:59 PM] Oh said: things are getting serious. Bwuce is out.

[8/08/2008 11:17:16 PM] Thomasr said: ...as in gay?

[8/08/2008 11:17:25 PM] Oh said: no

[8/08/2008 11:17:54 PM] Thomasr said: that poor fucker for the Marshall Isl wearing arse grass instead of pants. He must have drawn the short grassy straw.

[8/08/2008 11:18:36 PM] Thomasr said: No Sandy, when I think of Bhutan, I think of dope growing wild in the streets.

[8/08/2008 11:19:32 PM] Oh said: hotties

[8/08/2008 11:20:06 PM] Thomasr said: "their women are stunning" I agree with Bruce

[8/08/2008 11:20:16 PM] Oh said: and he'd know

[8/08/2008 11:21:02 PM] Thomasr said: here we go, those Israelis will be up for a punch on with anyone.

[8/08/2008 11:21:07 PM] Oh said: pity sandy wasn’t disqualified for the same reason

[8/08/2008 11:21:40 PM] Thomasr said: Weighing in heavy you mean? Agreed.

[8/08/2008 11:21:55 PM] Oh said: mmm. quite right tony

[8/08/2008 11:22:11 PM] Thomasr said: Why do they insist on calling table tennis; table tennis? We all know it’s fucking ping pong

[8/08/2008 11:22:31 PM] Oh said: especially when played in ching chong

[8/08/2008 11:22:45 PM] Thomasr said: and badminton? FUCKING SHUTTLECOCK

[8/08/2008 11:22:50 PM] Thomasr said: Christ, here comes Taiwan.

[8/08/2008 11:22:56 PM] Oh said: i know

[8/08/2008 11:23:04 PM] Oh said: standing ovation

[8/08/2008 11:23:19 PM] Thomasr said: ROGUE STATE

[8/08/2008 11:23:27 PM] Thomasr said: I think the shooting starts now

[8/08/2008 11:23:28 PM] Oh said: dead men walking

[8/08/2008 11:23:39 PM] Thomasr said: and next.... HUGE FUCKING TANKS!

[8/08/2008 11:24:15 PM] Oh said: ahh the special autonomous region

[8/08/2008 11:24:26 PM] Oh said: dude !!

[8/08/2008 11:25:06 PM] Thomasr said: Benin- blew their entire budget on costumes.

[8/08/2008 11:25:38 PM] Oh said: is eddie murphy competing

[8/08/2008 11:25:44 PM] Thomasr said: Do Pakistan know that Mauritania stole their flag?

Mauritania flag- must have got a grad to design their flag. Like all grad work; it's a rip off.

Pakistani flag- likely to be pissed when they read this

[8/08/2008 11:26:11 PM] Thomasr said: Eddie is in the mutherfucking looong jump mother fucker.

[8/08/2008 11:26:31 PM] Oh said: prince fredrick of denmanrk has an iphone but can't work it !!

[8/08/2008 11:26:57 PM] Thomasr said: Uganda look great in the human skin suits. Idi must be proud... if a little dead.

[8/08/2008 11:27:15 PM] Thomasr said: i just texted prince freddie "u r dikhed LOLZ!"

[8/08/2008 11:28:57 PM] Oh said: have uraguay not sent a soccer team?

[8/08/2008 11:29:54 PM] Thomasr said: i think they are eating each other in a crashed plane somewhere

[8/08/2008 11:31:10 PM] Thomasr said: no gold for Brazil? is there no hot chick Olympics?

[8/08/2008 11:31:20 PM] Oh said: is brazil competing in womens beach volley ball

[8/08/2008 11:31:36 PM] Thomasr said: hope so or tv is going out window

[8/08/2008 11:32:06 PM] Oh said: never wear a tshirt and blazer is my rule

[8/08/2008 11:32:16 PM] Thomasr said: good rule too

[8/08/2008 11:32:34 PM] Thomasr said: thoughts on wearing a boater?

[8/08/2008 11:32:59 PM] Oh said: too dazzled by their hottie

[8/08/2008 11:33:21 PM] Thomasr said: ...also a good rule

[8/08/2008 11:34:53 PM] Oh said: right that confirms who is selling nuclear technology then

[8/08/2008 11:34:58 PM] Thomasr said: is aiding international terrorism a category?

[8/08/2008 11:35:14 PM] Oh said: well palestine is a chance

[8/08/2008 11:35:21 PM] Thomasr said: pakistan for gold in both

[8/08/2008 11:35:21 PM] Oh said: saudis a sure bet

[8/08/2008 11:35:59 PM] Oh said: is anyone left in cuba

[8/08/2008 11:36:09 PM] Oh said: did they all come for a feed

[8/08/2008 11:36:33 PM] Thomasr said: Medical treatment more like

[8/08/2008 11:38:09 PM] Thomasr said: the Qatar team hotel is short some bed sheets

[8/08/2008 11:38:25 PM] Oh said: is falconing and being rich a sport?

[8/08/2008 11:38:53 PM] Thomasr said: sure, done properly

[8/08/2008 11:40:24 PM] Oh said: is piano accordian a sport

[8/08/2008 11:40:39 PM] Thomasr said: on Thursdays at a retirement home it is.

[8/08/2008 11:42:22 PM] Thomasr said: lithuania- dressed by kermit the frog

[8/08/2008 11:43:59 PM] Thomasr said: the nigerians need to transfer some money post games.... care to help sir?

[8/08/2008 11:45:31 PM] Thomasr said: here comes Canada- they are not the usa by the way...!

[8/08/2008 11:47:30 PM] Oh said: city states !!

[8/08/2008 11:47:47 PM] Oh said: are all the tax havens in?

[8/08/2008 11:48:53 PM] Oh said: the Vatican?

[8/08/2008 11:49:05 PM] Thomasr said: luxemburg

[8/08/2008 11:49:14 PM] Oh said: saw them

[8/08/2008 11:49:16 PM] Thomasr said: hutt river...?

[8/08/2008 11:49:22 PM] Oh said: ?

[8/08/2008 11:49:44 PM] Thomasr said: http://www.principality-hutt-river.com/

[8/08/2008 11:53:44 PM] Oh said: the bermuda short. very nice

[8/08/2008 11:54:09 PM] Thomasr said: they got them cheap.

[8/08/2008 11:54:30 PM] Thomasr said: I think the Rwandans killed each other during their lap

[8/08/2008 11:54:39 PM] Oh said: is the other Congo not democratic?

[8/08/2008 11:55:07 PM] Oh said: the Halliburton team

[8/08/2008 11:55:13 PM] Thomasr said: they dont like to go on about it.

[8/08/2008 11:55:57 PM] Thomasr said: watch for the iraqis. if one starts fiddling with something next to the track, then the sprint events begin NOW.

[8/08/2008 11:56:50 PM] Thomasr said: "so colourful" translation: "they looking fucking stupid"

[8/08/2008 11:56:59 PM] Oh said: just gorgeous. bruce calls it again.

[8/08/2008 11:57:12 PM] Thomasr said: just... as in "barely"

[8/08/2008 11:57:12 PM] Oh said: he can spot the babes

[8/08/2008 11:57:34 PM] Thomasr said: they used channel 9's cricket camera men

[8/08/2008 11:58:21 PM] Oh said: bloody hell the washed up royalty turn up for this stuff in droves. it is like cape antibes in july !!

[8/08/2008 11:58:33 PM] Oh said: i didn't know hungary had a king

[8/08/2008 11:59:05 PM] Thomasr said: I thought queen Salote of Tonga ate him at QE II's coronation.

[12:02:38 AM] Thomasr said: there's a female shot putter from tonga- who'd have picked it?

[12:03:34 AM] Thomasr said: Finland sent 69 competitors. Nailing their colours to the mast somewhat.

[12:04:16 AM] Thomasr said: The Croatians are still strong in genocide.

[12:04:27 AM] Thomasr said: ...and stupid shoes

[12:05:13 AM] Oh said: expecting sand storms?

[12:05:25 AM] Thomasr said: no, chemical attacks.

[12:05:44 AM] Thomasr said: hey that beaded hair chick must be representing bali

[12:07:09 AM] Thomasr said: Cape Verde? I take it Wilson's Prom is next?

[12:07:21 AM] Thomasr said: or Cape Liptrap.

[12:07:28 AM] Oh said: cook isl

[12:07:40 AM] Thomasr said: they are handy in javelin

[12:07:53 AM] Thomasr said: if live prey is involved.

[12:09:30 AM] Oh said: dubai sucks

[12:09:40 AM] Thomasr said: ...said the UAE

[12:10:53 AM] Thomasr said: Argentina will not be entering the "reclaim a small island" comp after a savage loss in 82- a non olympic year.

[12:11:10 AM] Oh said: i am so conflicted. brazil has better women but argentina is more beautiful, has better wineries, beef and skiing.

[12:11:46 AM] Thomasr said: which one has better lotto draw show? thats how I decide.

[12:12:24 AM] Oh said: the audience is dictator central.

[12:12:50 AM] Thomasr said: I note that Mugabe was asked not to attend. Not for political reasons, but due to space.

[12:13:51 AM] Thomasr said: Great Britain - is their entire team made up of flight attendants?

[12:18:50 AM] Oh said: french uniform disappoints.

[12:19:35 AM] Oh said: although Poland made them look good.

[12:20:24 AM] Thomasr said: Anything that requires Poland to make it look good is having an off night.

[12:21:21 AM] Thomasr said: Bangladesh will be strong in swimming if that global warming caper gets going.

[12:22:23 AM] Oh said: 150 million people. six athletes.

[12:22:25 AM] Thomasr said: When your flag bearer is a para olympian, someone has the calendar screwed up.

[12:23:20 AM] Thomasr said: Bangladesh have 6 athletes this time round. By 2020 they'll have 120 million swimmers.

[12:23:59 AM] Thomasr said: Sandy's usually drunk by now. It's after midnight Oz time. He'll start swearing soon, mark me.

[12:23:59 AM] Oh said: Kuwait sent the royal family gun club

[12:24:12 AM] Thomasr said: ..and the falconers.

[12:25:18 AM] Oh said: any fucking bump currently above sea level gets a run in the games these days.

[12:26:01 AM] Oh said: time to consolidate. if you don’t have a medal in 100 yrs of competition. too bad. you’re out.

[12:26:50 AM] Oh said: wow they love the hard men and assassins. (putin)

[12:27:40 AM] Thomasr said: The USA look like extras from a Village People movie.

[12:27:58 AM] Oh said: nice 1920's Shanghai protectorate look.

[12:28:04 AM] Thomasr said: Actually is golf an Olympic sport?

[12:29:04 AM] Thomasr said: The black ones are the caddy’s. Big golf team though eh?

[12:29:52 AM] Oh said: dressed by Samuel l Jackson

[12:30:18 AM] Thomasr said: no wonder they are losing in Iraq- they are all in China.

[12:30:22 AM] Oh said: olimpify !

[12:30:54 AM] Oh said: loose lips, Sandy

[12:31:21 AM] Thomasr said: American Samoa- lemme guess hammer throw, Judo and eating.

[12:31:52 AM] Oh said: only 70 kg women’s judo. what about 159 kg?

[12:32:08 AM] Thomasr said: When asked about the host nation, the American Samoa judo expert described them as "delicious, but snackky"

[12:32:36 AM] Oh said: tastes like human. what do you call it?

[12:32:45 AM] Thomasr said: yellowcake

[12:32:50 AM] Oh said: hmmm

[12:34:03 AM] Thomasr said: their crown princess looks a tad blokey. like as in "an actual man"

[12:34:30 AM] Oh said: i think sandy might be a bit 'off'

[12:34:39 AM] Thomasr said: Egypt haven't been strong since the loss in '68.

[12:35:01 AM] Thomasr said: Sandy OFF? he's rarely on, and when he is on, it's never when he's on air.

[12:35:54 AM] Thomasr said: Lesotho are in sniper suits. Handy.

[12:36:27 AM] Oh said: another ugly mercenary war

[12:37:01 AM] Oh said: ahh african post colonial history.just one good news story after another

[12:37:29 AM] Thomasr said: the oppressors or the formerly oppressed.

[12:37:53 AM] Thomasr said: they should have a seperate category for countries with hyperinflation.

[12:38:21 AM] Oh said: georgia. coolflag !

[12:38:45 AM] Thomasr said: Norway and switzerland will be pissed however.

[12:39:18 AM] Thomasr said: Colombia- not so good in own goal soccer anymore.

[12:40:02 AM] Oh said: but still flying the flag for coke production

[12:43:12 AM] Oh said: haiti. they should make the voodoo final.

[12:43:24 AM] Thomasr said: are the czech team all Russian sailors?

[12:43:51 AM] Oh said: they are better dressed than the French

[12:43:55 AM] Thomasr said: If Haiti don't make the final, then I worry about the teams that do. Shrunken heads all round.

[12:46:12 AM] Oh said: where TF is micronesia. are they a failed state in our neighbourhood

[12:46:46 AM] Thomasr said: another team that fail the "land mass above 100 metres above sea level"

[12:47:09 AM] Oh said: a good test. should be imposed.

[12:47:25 AM] Thomasr said: in 30 yrs it will be.

[12:47:29 AM] Oh said: the 2020 rule

[12:47:33 AM] Thomasr said: trial by water no less.

[12:48:17 AM] Thomasr said: Slovenia are wearing Oz's outfits from the Prue Acton era.

[12:49:39 AM] Thomasr said: I think the Portuguese lost a bet vis a vis their outfits.

[12:51:11 AM] Thomasr said: Cameroon- another team there just for the food hall.

[12:51:44 AM] Oh said: is there anything bruce doesn't know

[12:52:25 AM] Thomasr said: what the fuck Sandy is on about. Yes. Bruce certainly doesn’t know that.

[12:52:33 AM] Oh said: "...menstruating this week, but will come into her own next week.."

[12:53:20 AM] Thomasr said: For betting purposes we must know their cycles.

[12:54:19 AM] Oh said: how is sailing a strength in austria

[12:54:29 AM] Oh said: do they have a lake

[12:54:39 AM] Oh said: or did i fail geography

[12:55:52 AM] Thomasr said: They are all trying to sail away from Germany.

[12:56:13 AM] Oh said: sweden v dissapointing.

[12:56:27 AM] Thomasr said: Nauru- strong in birdshit but fuck all else.

[12:56:40 AM] Thomasr said: WHERE WERE THE HOTTY SWEDES?

[12:56:42 AM] Oh said: not what i have come to expect from my recent trip to stockholm

[12:56:52 AM] Thomasr said: that’s it. Cancel this shit.

[12:57:43 AM] Thomasr said: New Zealand popped by after a funeral.

[12:58:27 AM] Oh said: & 37 mechanics

[12:58:59 AM] Thomasr said: "uts ficked bro'"

[1:00:17 AM] Thomasr said: Serbia are not as strong in genocide as they were in 92

[1:01:30 AM] Oh said: no but some athletes ruled ineligible for further competition by the hague

[1:02:47 AM] Thomasr said: HA! due to excessive use of killing.

[1:03:30 AM] Oh said: well....if you wanna be a stickler for the rules...

[1:04:07 AM] Thomasr said: they used drugs like Lead. You have to be firm.

[1:04:34 AM] Oh said: nice polo hats

[1:04:49 AM] Thomasr said: shall we start a chukka?

[1:05:15 AM] Oh said: in doubt you have the ponies

[1:05:38 AM] Thomasr said: Christ the muslim countries will have a to call a pause to pray to mecca at this rate.

[1:05:50 AM] Oh said: monaco sent 5 accountants

[1:06:30 AM] Thomasr said: and the accountants accountant.

[1:07:25 AM] Thomasr said: JESUS H CHRIST IN A CHICKEN BASKET. The Aussies look like they fell in a toilet bowl of Jayes Blue.

[1:07:48 AM] Thomasr said: Please show Jessica Schipper. I need to throw up.

[1:08:17 AM] Oh said: sandy was thinking the outfits look shit but, give him credit as a professional, he said sensational (just thought "shit")

[1:08:29 AM] Thomasr said: y'know there are 10K athletes and we sent 450+

[1:08:59 AM] Thomasr said: Based on our population China ought to have a million athletes.

[1:09:06 AM] Oh said: we bat above our weight. And boy does the tax payer wear it.

[1:09:07 AM] Thomasr said: and thats just in gymnastics.

[1:10:02 AM] Thomasr said: "China, with their flag bearer, the experiment/pituitary cancer sufferer yao ming"

[1:11:57 AM] Thomasr said: It's great the way China can celebrate a person with gigantism.

[1:11:57 AM] Oh said: time to pull out the 12 yr glefiddich

[1:12:05 AM] Thomasr said: Amen to that.

[1:12:18 AM] Thomasr said: I have half a bottle of Mclaren vale

[1:14:29 AM] Thomasr said: Bruce just called Yao Ming a giant. So close to saying freak.

[1:15:03 AM] Oh said: righto. this looks over (as am i).

[1:15:12 AM] Thomasr said: I want to call equestrian "horsies". Can I get a "hell yeah"?

Dilbert Mashup...

First attempt at this

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Idiots ride motorcycles too

Some people are frickin' idiots. Riding the scooter this morning, I pull up next to a young bloke on a Suzuki Bandit 250. I look over his bike and while it is clean as a whistle two things grab my eye: the exhaust has a huge scrubbed area- so he's crashed it once. The other thing is so startling that I have to comment. It goes as follows.

Me: Hey mate... can I ask... is that TYRE BLACK I can see there?
P plater on a 250: ahhhh yea.... I'm selling it.
Me: Shit mate, thats fricking dangerous y'know.
P plater on a 250: It's only on the sides.

I look down. Yes, its on the sidewalls. AND around the corner on the contact surface. About 5-7cms. Right where the contact patch would be if you tried to corner it.

P plater on a 250: It's cool. I wanted it to look schmick.
Me: It won't look to schmick if you fall over again.
P plater on a 250: Hey mate... look, you ride a fucking scooter...
Me: Ahhhh ok. Well good luck. See you in the newspaper.
P plater on a 250: ????

I was on TV and I liked it more than it liked me..

Here we go:



Yes, I hit the wipers for no reason in the first bit. It was a subtle sight gag that some have suggested was just me being stupid and not realising that the Ford Focus has its wipers on the right side where the indicators usually are.

But they would be wrong.

FAIL- my time to... fail.

I am loving the Failblog. Tales of failure always warm the evil heart.

Now for my own submission.

Last year, I hosted - at Atomic Media- a Halo 3 fight night. It went very well UNTIL an evil Brazilian drink known as Cachaça came out to kill all assembled.

Here's me:


But more was to come. Mike:


Fail indeed.

Newspaper letter

This gem popped up today:

Sharia smorgasbord

THE Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams is right. Why not have a "smorgasbord" of laws. In our enlightened multicultural society we need to be "sensitive", "tolerant" and "inclusive".

If Muslims want to stone their adulterous women, why should we object? If Aborigines want to reject "white man" laws and live by their traditional tribal laws, then we should accommodate this. Yes, we should invite all cultures to pick and choose from a smorgasbord of laws and, if groups like the anarchists want to reject all laws, how can we discriminate?
Yes, bring on the utopia, but not before I have time to migrate to a country that has pride in its culture and safe streets.

Brian Handley, Moe

...said the guy from Moe.

That damn scooter.

So riding around the Formula 1 GP circuit on the way to work (how many people can say that?), the scooter stepped out and got up a nice ol' wobble as she went round a corner. i knew straight away what the problem was. On inspection, I was right:


So here's how I was situated. Stuck in the relative middle of nowhere. What to do?

Call Donny and get him to bring Holden's BLOODY MARVELLOUSLY CONVENIENT VE Ute and pick me up:


He's taken the little bugger to Brighton Kawasaki and hey presto it will be solved.

This is only my second ever flat tyre on a motorised bike. Weirdly enough, when Rachel and I went around Australia, we didn't get one flat. 20,000 k's no flats. The scooter? less than 600 k's and we're off for a repair. Don't let this become a pattern.

My new hero

Lord Paul Drayson:

With a seat in the House of Lords, a biotechnology fortune in the bank and good sight in just one eye, Paul Drayson is an unlikely candidate to become Britain's next motor-racing hero. But yesterday the 47-year-old minister for defence equipment and support wrote one of the most unusual resignation notes in political history and told Gordon Brown he was standing down to pursue his dream of winning the Le Mans 24-hour motor race.

More here

Another reason to have children:

When I have kids, they get to sit in one of these!:

Good looks apart, BMW's child seat comes with a height-adjustable backrest including a belt carrier and side support as well as a headrest for extra safety. What’s cool though is the fact that the backrest and side support interact with one another, automatically adjusting the seat width as a function of seat height. As a result, the seat literally "grows" with the child sitting in the seat, the correct position being shown by a centimeter scale on the backrest indicating the body height currently set on the seat.

[via carscoop]

youtube clip of the week

Sure, it's an ad, but hey, it's fantastic.

White chicks and gang signs...

Instant Liam Lynch-esque classic:

So cool

My new GPS data logger (more on this little marvel later) can track every movement you make and is super accurate, plotting information every second and accurate to within centimetres. It is fully compatible with Google Earth and fly-overs of your track are possible.

So accurate is it, I decided to try a little experiment: I walked about in our park on the way home from work (the second track at bottom is from GOING to work) and got the following screen grab from Google earth.:

So cool- like the full stop?

Strip club visits: Rudd regrets, Whitlam regales - theage.com.au

Strip club visits: Rudd regrets, Whitlam regales - National - theage.com.au:

"KEVIN has done it, not just once but twice, as he confessed last night. Brendan Nelson has done it, when he was 20. Alexander Downer says he has never done it when on official business. Tony Abbott won't talk about whether he's done it, because he doesn't want to fib. And nobody quite dares to ask John Howard whether he's been to a strip club."

"Nobody dares?" More like "No one gives a crap" If John Howard has never been to a strip club, then he ought to make a up a story that he has!

Me? Oh yes, I have been to the odd strip club. Twice this year alone. (once for MY bucks, once for Donny's). In fact I would like to confess here and now that I fell asleep during my last lap dance as I was "tired and emotional" That's how much I rate titty bars. Meh.

Political considerations aside ("Are the women empowered by the money and position they hold over the men?" vs. "Why do university student women with all those brains and education so often stoop top such a debasing job?" blah blah), if you are a group of 10 or so men, then best of luck getting into a bar/nightclub that isn't a strip club at 1am on a Friday/Saturday night.

I remember my old mate Dan Tehan's bucks night- we ended up in a strip club at about 1am despite trying to get into about 3 bars as a group and even failing when we broke up into groups of two. In the end we could either go to a gay bar or a boob bar.

Hey, what can I say, boob bar won out.

Ladies and gentlemen

Carl Vickers:

Chinese Market Awash in Fake Potter Books - New York Times

I freaking love this- fake Harry Potter books are for sale in China! I am reading The Last Harry Potter as we speak (no spoilers please!), but I really want to read some of these:

Chinese Market Awash in Fake Potter Books - New York Times:

"These include "Harry Potter and the Half-Blooded Relative Prince," a creation whose name in Chinese closely resembles the title of the genuine sixth book by Ms. Rowling, as well as pure inventions that include "Harry Potter and the Hiking Dragon", "Harry Potter and the Chinese Empire," "Harry Potter and the Young Heroes", "Harry Potter and Leopard-Walk-Up-to-Dragon", and "Harry Potter and the Big Funnel"."

My guesses on the plot for these:
"Harry Potter and the Hiking Dragon". The Dragon comes out of hiding with the crouching tiger and he's ready for some campfire side fun. Kum bah yah and bring your own marshmallows to this rollicking tale!
"Harry Potter and the Chinese Empire," A truly splendiforous tale about Harry's life after graduating from the First Hogwarts Normal School of Hunan, when he travels with Professor Yang Changji, his high school teacher and future father-in-law, to Beijing during the May Fourth Movement in 1919. Turns out that Professor Yang holds a faculty position at Peking University. Thanks to Yang's recommendation, Harry works as an assistant librarian at the University with Li Dazhao as curator. Harry registers as a part-time student at Beijing Wizards University and audits many lectures and seminars by famous wizards such as Chen Duxiu, Hu Shi, Qian Xuantong, etc. During his stay in Beijing, he read as much as possible, and through his readings, he is introduced to Communist theories. Read More
"Harry Potter and the Young Heroes" It's Harry Potter, only with Young Heroes instead of those losers Hermione, Ron et al. About time eh?!
"Harry Potter and Leopard-Walk-Up-to-Dragon" Harry is very bored and sleepy while sitting with his older half-sister outside, until he sees a White Rabbit looking at his watch and talking to himself. He follows the Rabbit down a very deep rabbit hole and ends up far beneath the ground in a hall with a tiny locked door that leads to a beautiful garden. He eats and drinks things that make him change in size, but he is still unable to get through the door into the garden.

When he becomes huge, he cries in frustration and when he shrinks, he is small enough to swim around in a pool made of her own tears. In the pool, he encounters many creatures, including a Mouse. The creatures and Harry manage to get out of the pool and dry off, but Harry is soon left alone...
"Harry Potter and the Big Funnel" Simply put, this is the greatest Harry Potter tale of all. Let me set the scene..

Take one Harry Potter and add a fuck-off BIG FUNNEL and that's about the sum of it. Harry Potter, BIG FUNNEL...!

*Details!!* I hear you cry?!?


Ok.



Harry P...& a Big Fuck Off Funnel.


The end.

Le Tour 2007

Highlight in a year of (Australian) lowlights:

Reunion THIS

Correspondence from The Sports Desk..

Oh look, I'm not going to apologise to HST anymore than I have to, so there, that will do.

School ReUnion
Fifteen fucking years into the mission, and there's another school reunion this friday. I have to go, there is NO CHOICE Bubba. I've tried to get others involved, but they all got The Fear. Here's the correspondence....:

MR E.

Yes I am Mr Funny, but are you coming along? please tell me you are.

I'm going to need someone who is handy in a verbal joust. I'm not sure these crazies will let in this time around if I go solo. Of course I will go no matter what. I have no choice. Curiosity compels me.... like a moth etc.

But Mr E, I can't go solo. The last time I got so insanely drunk I was a danger. No one knew who I really was. They thought I'd just stumbled across their little soiree and had set out to be weird. It wasn't a deliberate act on my part, but rather an attempt to cope. To avoid commenting I stuck a glass at my lips and inevitably the glass emptied. That made the night seem weirder, (if James Bennetts, or was it Bowditch yelling in your ear isn't weird, then fuck me what is?) and to cope with that I drank more. Nexty morning I caught the tram home from Fitzroy st a broken mess. It's not like meeting strangers, yet these people are strangers to us. Lets not kid ourselves- some have improved like red wine, others soured like white vinegar. It's drafting these sheep that can be interesting.

I feel we could also have a ball if we lie till we bust. I'm working on a number of personas for the evening, and accents to go with them. One involves wearing a turban, 2 involve smoking a pipe and one will require me to take a prayer mat. I think I best stay away from the more extravagant ideas, it can be beastly difficult to get pretty Russian identical twins at short notice.

I think you should be a doctor. A Phd natch darling, there will be a few MDs and, frankly they can get fucked. You should work on the nature of said PhD, but I do suggest something to do with the link between loving football and closeted homosexuality. Hell YOU might want to take a pipe- that way you can point people out with the stem. Maybe WE should take a hookah and pack cones all night and tell people to "trust us, he's a doctor" and see what comes of it.

These are important times my lad, and history will prove me right.

thomasr

So he says:

Dear Thomasr,

This will not be like loading up at a Vegas bar before the Mint 400. That would be easy.

No.

Remember that you do not write for Rolling Stone (when it was Wrong), although you probably should be, but that's not important right now. Where was I? Yes. No, and I am certainly not your attorney, Samoan or otherwise.

I'm not sure this crowd deserves the dignity of abuse, though they may be thieves and rapists in their hearts - and maybe not just their hearts - and I'm also not sure that I can face reciting my Life Story up to This Point 30 times in a row. You see, they will remember me, and they will be wanting Answers. I can't keep up a song and dance act for 3 hours.

You're right, it's not like meeting strangers. It's more like being confronted with aspects of yourself that you have long suppressed, only to find them reemerging from the psychic swamp in forms vaguely familiar, until you suddenly realize - the horror, the horror - that they are us, that you am I, that the beast is within... and there is no escape.

If you insist on putting yourself through this, good luck - you have a high sense of adventure. It may help you to remember that Jean-Paul Sartre once thought he was being pursued through Paris by giant lobsters. If you hold fast to this notion, there will always be the thought of something worse just outside the window to keep your mind focused.

You're a better man than I am, Gunga Din.

See you on the other side,

Mr E.

So I says

Mr E.

Right you are then, and damn you for a coward. "I'm across Jack, drawbridge UP!". This is our valley of death and you have reined in early my lad. I'm going to stick a cheroot in the corner of my mouth and spur the horse into these bastards, sabring to and fro like a ninja at the ballet.

Diginity of abuse? Nonsense- stand still laddie! I'm simply going there to spin a few yarns and see if I can create some influence- you know, something simple, something like:

"Oh so you run a sports marketing agency? Tell me are ALL sportsmen, like you know..." (makes patting motion)

Him: "Like what?"

Me: "y'know KIDDY FIDDLING CAT RAPISTS!?!?!?!"

Maybe I can take old Billy Hick's ideas about marketing and encourage a few suicides before the nights over. Perhaps teach some guy to swallow his tongue and choke to death. I'll tell people to "leave him alone, he's just dancing like he always wanted to" when they try to assist the poor convulsing fool on the floor. Maybe I'll dance with him and tell everyone we're gay lovers "I love my dead gay son!" Selah!

Reciting your life story 20 times over? Damn son, there's no call for HONESTY at this event. If you get relly stoned before hand you can say "I haven't the slightest idea what I have been doing these past 15 years"- and it will be the God honest truth. Like I suggested, we could just go with some random life events and see where it takes us. Tell different stories to the same person. Apologise for having them passed over for promotion, then refuse to discuss how and why. I don't know what else, but there is simply no reason to bring the Mr E. you know, simply bring one you feel can comfortably cope. It's not a complicated process old bean, just dust off an old coat and whack it on. Maybe some Elton John 70's glasses to show you've still FUCKING GOT IT WHEN IT COUNTS!

Hey Mr.E., it's an election year and we all have to do our bit to get rid of Evil John, and perhaps wiping out or exercising undue influence on a few vulnerable old boys could be just the ticket. Imagine getting an accountant to leave his wife and hand out how to vote cards for the greens- now we're thinking!

Also, I feel we need to face any Demons of the past. The sad thing is, we might like these crazy bastards now! Have you though of that?! I was scared as HELL of horses till just recently, but I discovered if you take CONTROL and beat them within an inch of their lives, you can get what you want and have a fine time into the bargain. That's where I see this all going.

Satre chased by giant Lobsters? Were these the same ones removed from Jayne Mansfields bum? I'd like to think they are. I'd surely crawl through a mile of her... oh never mind, but lobsters are JUST like horses, we'll get along FINE, with minimal disruption to our lives. Perhaps these old boys are like lobsters in a tank, and we just have to choose one to have thrown into the boiling water! How would that be?!?!? I'd ask for a stethoscope to hear the screams, though I'm told by Those Who Know that said screaming is the shrinking of their carpaces, but hell, I prefer the screaming scenario anyday.

What a response I've had to suggestions we attend. M_____y "definately not", P_____t "rather have my legs sawn off " (and I like the idea of P____t sawing his legs off as an entre, a sort of "hi ,I'm here, legless already" It's a cabaret act with blood- surely needed!) Thing is laddie, this isn't then, this is now, and if you have anything to get off your chest before apathy and wasting gets you, nows the FUCKING TIME! We must go free. I feel like a Berlin youth in '89/'90- the walls down and we can bust shit without the Stasi poppin' a cap in our ass.

Lastly, if all this cojoling hasn't got you fired up and frothing at the mouth; a simple threat- I will tell the most terrible lies about you:
- That you are a Jesuit priest in India and you LIKE IT
- That you are married to a Gen girl, have 2.5 kids and a Volvo (like YOUR parents eh lad!?)
- That you are somewhere in Pakistan, near the border, with a Qur'an and a beard.

Maybe you can come along and say that you have been, at various times ALL THESE THINGS!?

Now we're cooking.

But I fear, that fear will rule, and I will sit in the corner with F______y bitching about J.B.'s perfect hair.... like old times.

Oh well, there's the 20 yr reunion next huh?
Thomasr