The following is an exchange between your humble correspondent and olde friend whom I shall call “Oh”. It took place via Skpe during the opening ceremony as the athletes came out.

**LANGUAGE WARNING**
[8/08/2008 10:51:07 PM] Thomasr said: I predict the couldron will be lit Barcelona style but using a trebuchet instead of a bow, and flaming dissidents instead of an arrow.

[8/08/2008 10:51:13 PM] Thomasr said: thoughts?

[8/08/2008 10:54:12 PM] Oh said: a giant wok

[8/08/2008 10:54:32 PM] Thomasr said: filled with burning tibetans?

[8/08/2008 10:54:59 PM] Oh said: why give them a platform

[8/08/2008 10:55:19 PM] Thomasr said: …when you can give them a BBQ?

[8/08/2008 10:55:41 PM] Oh said: nice to see so many soldiers dressed up as ethnic minorities and doves though….

[8/08/2008 10:59:25 PM] Thomasr said: now comes the bit I love. The re enactment of the guy in front of the tank RUN THE FUCKER OVER!

[8/08/2008 11:00:39 PM] Oh said: the green games !! did you catch that. perhaps our government should order industry shut down 15 minutes before the Kyoto deadline on pain of death.

[8/08/2008 11:01:12 PM] Thomasr said: I dont see why the Chinese should stop opening a new coal powered electricity plant every 30 fuggin days however.

[8/08/2008 11:01:23 PM] Thomasr said: [btw: powered by aussie coal!]

[8/08/2008 11:01:27 PM] Oh said: rick birch doesn’t mind going the not so snide hack

[8/08/2008 11:01:37 PM] Thomasr said: did he miss out on this one?

[8/08/2008 11:01:50 PM] Thomasr said: It’s like an Eistedford with unlimited budget.

[8/08/2008 11:01:58 PM] Thomasr said: rick b is Mr G with money

[8/08/2008 11:02:41 PM] Oh said: chinese michael bolton

[8/08/2008 11:02:52 PM] Thomasr said: has better hair however

[8/08/2008 11:03:51 PM] Oh said: who’s the whitey?

[8/08/2008 11:04:14 PM] Thomasr said: Andrew Lloyd Webber’s ex Sarah Brightman

[8/08/2008 11:04:48 PM] Oh said: it’s a massive Benneton ad

[8/08/2008 11:05:19 PM] Thomasr said: those firecrackers are made out of human fat. That’s a fact.

[8/08/2008 11:05:47 PM] Oh said: tibetans burn brighter

[8/08/2008 11:06:04 PM] Thomasr said: but shorter dude. c’mon. we all know that after much trial and error

[8/08/2008 11:06:55 PM] Oh said: i know but they make that great deep humming noise on the way down

[8/08/2008 11:07:51 PM] Thomasr said: christ they have brought out Sandy Roberts… where’s Lorraine Dick when you need her?

[8/08/2008 11:08:46 PM] Oh said: did i just see the peruvian pipers from the vic market?

[8/08/2008 11:09:27 PM] Thomasr said: sure. It’s a multi cultural event.

[8/08/2008 11:09:46 PM] Thomasr said: look out, here come the asthmatics, I mean athletes

[8/08/2008 11:10:15 PM] Oh said: only 202 to go

[8/08/2008 11:10:35 PM] Thomasr said: those greeks look fucking smug “oh look, we invented this shit”

[8/08/2008 11:10:47 PM] Thomasr said: START THE SHOOTING I say

[8/08/2008 11:11:18 PM] Oh said: well its the only thing the chinese aren’t laying claim to inventing tonight

[8/08/2008 11:11:41 PM] Thomasr said: I think the chinese skipped on inventing global warming.

[8/08/2008 11:11:56 PM] Thomasr said: they just do it better than anyone else.

[8/08/2008 11:12:07 PM] Oh said: and torture

[8/08/2008 11:12:29 PM] Thomasr said: WTF? what are the turks doing coming out first? Are the Kurds coming out last? Do they have to keep them apart?

[8/08/2008 11:12:55 PM] Thomasr said: bugger, what if the Cypriots come out next?

[8/08/2008 11:13:00 PM] Oh said: in order by Chinese characters. Australia 3rd last

[8/08/2008 11:13:33 PM] Oh said: Turkmenistan.

[8/08/2008 11:13:35 PM] Thomasr said: oh bollocks. How did that happen? RUDD WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Fix this shit

[8/08/2008 11:13:46 PM] Oh said: borat

[8/08/2008 11:14:06 PM] Thomasr said: Ah I see now.

[8/08/2008 11:14:17 PM] Thomasr said: who is last?

[8/08/2008 11:14:24 PM] Thomasr said: Taiwan right?

[8/08/2008 11:14:52 PM] Thomasr said: though I bet the announcer says “taiwan!!!!…. taiwan…?….. Taiwan????….????????”

[8/08/2008 11:14:56 PM] Oh said: there is no Chinese character for Taiwan

[8/08/2008 11:15:05 PM] Thomasr said: then we’ll just go to the lighting of the tibetans.

[8/08/2008 11:15:58 PM] Thomasr said: Malaysia look like a cert in the sodomy heptathlon…

[8/08/2008 11:16:59 PM] Oh said: things are getting serious. Bwuce is out.

[8/08/2008 11:17:16 PM] Thomasr said: …as in gay?

[8/08/2008 11:17:25 PM] Oh said: no

[8/08/2008 11:17:54 PM] Thomasr said: that poor fucker for the Marshall Isl wearing arse grass instead of pants. He must have drawn the short grassy straw.

[8/08/2008 11:18:36 PM] Thomasr said: No Sandy, when I think of Bhutan, I think of dope growing wild in the streets.

[8/08/2008 11:19:32 PM] Oh said: hotties

[8/08/2008 11:20:06 PM] Thomasr said: “their women are stunning” I agree with Bruce

[8/08/2008 11:20:16 PM] Oh said: and he’d know

[8/08/2008 11:21:02 PM] Thomasr said: here we go, those Israelis will be up for a punch on with anyone.

[8/08/2008 11:21:07 PM] Oh said: pity sandy wasn’t disqualified for the same reason

[8/08/2008 11:21:40 PM] Thomasr said: Weighing in heavy you mean? Agreed.

[8/08/2008 11:21:55 PM] Oh said: mmm. quite right tony

[8/08/2008 11:22:11 PM] Thomasr said: Why do they insist on calling table tennis; table tennis? We all know it’s fucking ping pong

[8/08/2008 11:22:31 PM] Oh said: especially when played in ching chong

[8/08/2008 11:22:45 PM] Thomasr said: and badminton? FUCKING SHUTTLECOCK

[8/08/2008 11:22:50 PM] Thomasr said: Christ, here comes Taiwan.

[8/08/2008 11:22:56 PM] Oh said: i know

[8/08/2008 11:23:04 PM] Oh said: standing ovation

[8/08/2008 11:23:19 PM] Thomasr said: ROGUE STATE

[8/08/2008 11:23:27 PM] Thomasr said: I think the shooting starts now

[8/08/2008 11:23:28 PM] Oh said: dead men walking

[8/08/2008 11:23:39 PM] Thomasr said: and next…. HUGE FUCKING TANKS!

[8/08/2008 11:24:15 PM] Oh said: ahh the special autonomous region

[8/08/2008 11:24:26 PM] Oh said: dude !!

[8/08/2008 11:25:06 PM] Thomasr said: Benin- blew their entire budget on costumes.

[8/08/2008 11:25:38 PM] Oh said: is eddie murphy competing

[8/08/2008 11:25:44 PM] Thomasr said: Do Pakistan know that Mauritania stole their flag?

Pakistani flag- likely to be pissed when they read this

[8/08/2008 11:26:11 PM] Thomasr said: Eddie is in the mutherfucking looong jump mother fucker.

[8/08/2008 11:26:31 PM] Oh said: prince fredrick of denmanrk has an iphone but can’t work it !!

[8/08/2008 11:26:57 PM] Thomasr said: Uganda look great in the human skin suits. Idi must be proud… if a little dead.

[8/08/2008 11:27:15 PM] Thomasr said: i just texted prince freddie “u r dikhed LOLZ!”

[8/08/2008 11:28:57 PM] Oh said: have uraguay not sent a soccer team?

[8/08/2008 11:29:54 PM] Thomasr said: i think they are eating each other in a crashed plane somewhere

[8/08/2008 11:31:10 PM] Thomasr said: no gold for Brazil? is there no hot chick Olympics?

[8/08/2008 11:31:20 PM] Oh said: is brazil competing in womens beach volley ball

[8/08/2008 11:31:36 PM] Thomasr said: hope so or tv is going out window

[8/08/2008 11:32:06 PM] Oh said: never wear a tshirt and blazer is my rule

[8/08/2008 11:32:16 PM] Thomasr said: good rule too

[8/08/2008 11:32:34 PM] Thomasr said: thoughts on wearing a boater?

[8/08/2008 11:32:59 PM] Oh said: too dazzled by their hottie

[8/08/2008 11:33:21 PM] Thomasr said: …also a good rule

[8/08/2008 11:34:53 PM] Oh said: right that confirms who is selling nuclear technology then

[8/08/2008 11:34:58 PM] Thomasr said: is aiding international terrorism a category?

[8/08/2008 11:35:14 PM] Oh said: well palestine is a chance

[8/08/2008 11:35:21 PM] Thomasr said: pakistan for gold in both

[8/08/2008 11:35:21 PM] Oh said: saudis a sure bet

[8/08/2008 11:35:59 PM] Oh said: is anyone left in cuba

[8/08/2008 11:36:09 PM] Oh said: did they all come for a feed

[8/08/2008 11:36:33 PM] Thomasr said: Medical treatment more like

[8/08/2008 11:38:09 PM] Thomasr said: the Qatar team hotel is short some bed sheets

[8/08/2008 11:38:25 PM] Oh said: is falconing and being rich a sport?

[8/08/2008 11:38:53 PM] Thomasr said: sure, done properly

[8/08/2008 11:40:24 PM] Oh said: is piano accordian a sport

[8/08/2008 11:40:39 PM] Thomasr said: on Thursdays at a retirement home it is.

[8/08/2008 11:42:22 PM] Thomasr said: lithuania- dressed by kermit the frog

[8/08/2008 11:43:59 PM] Thomasr said: the nigerians need to transfer some money post games…. care to help sir?

[8/08/2008 11:45:31 PM] Thomasr said: here comes Canada- they are not the usa by the way…!

[8/08/2008 11:47:30 PM] Oh said: city states !!

[8/08/2008 11:47:47 PM] Oh said: are all the tax havens in?

[8/08/2008 11:48:53 PM] Oh said: the Vatican?

[8/08/2008 11:49:05 PM] Thomasr said: luxemburg

[8/08/2008 11:49:14 PM] Oh said: saw them

[8/08/2008 11:49:16 PM] Thomasr said: hutt river…?

[8/08/2008 11:49:22 PM] Oh said: ?

[8/08/2008 11:49:44 PM] Thomasr said: http://www.principality-hutt-river.com/

[8/08/2008 11:53:44 PM] Oh said: the bermuda short. very nice

[8/08/2008 11:54:09 PM] Thomasr said: they got them cheap.

[8/08/2008 11:54:30 PM] Thomasr said: I think the Rwandans killed each other during their lap

[8/08/2008 11:54:39 PM] Oh said: is the other Congo not democratic?

[8/08/2008 11:55:07 PM] Oh said: the Halliburton team

[8/08/2008 11:55:13 PM] Thomasr said: they dont like to go on about it.

[8/08/2008 11:55:57 PM] Thomasr said: watch for the iraqis. if one starts fiddling with something next to the track, then the sprint events begin NOW.

[8/08/2008 11:56:50 PM] Thomasr said: “so colourful” translation: “they looking fucking stupid”

[8/08/2008 11:56:59 PM] Oh said: just gorgeous. bruce calls it again.

[8/08/2008 11:57:12 PM] Thomasr said: just… as in “barely”

[8/08/2008 11:57:12 PM] Oh said: he can spot the babes

[8/08/2008 11:57:34 PM] Thomasr said: they used channel 9′s cricket camera men

[8/08/2008 11:58:21 PM] Oh said: bloody hell the washed up royalty turn up for this stuff in droves. it is like cape antibes in july !!

[8/08/2008 11:58:33 PM] Oh said: i didn’t know hungary had a king

[8/08/2008 11:59:05 PM] Thomasr said: I thought queen Salote of Tonga ate him at QE II’s coronation.

[12:02:38 AM] Thomasr said: there’s a female shot putter from tonga- who’d have picked it?

[12:03:34 AM] Thomasr said: Finland sent 69 competitors. Nailing their colours to the mast somewhat.

[12:04:16 AM] Thomasr said: The Croatians are still strong in genocide.

[12:04:27 AM] Thomasr said: …and stupid shoes

[12:05:13 AM] Oh said: expecting sand storms?

[12:05:25 AM] Thomasr said: no, chemical attacks.

[12:05:44 AM] Thomasr said: hey that beaded hair chick must be representing bali

[12:07:09 AM] Thomasr said: Cape Verde? I take it Wilson’s Prom is next?

[12:07:21 AM] Thomasr said: or Cape Liptrap.

[12:07:28 AM] Oh said: cook isl

[12:07:40 AM] Thomasr said: they are handy in javelin

[12:07:53 AM] Thomasr said: if live prey is involved.

[12:09:30 AM] Oh said: dubai sucks

[12:09:40 AM] Thomasr said: …said the UAE

[12:10:53 AM] Thomasr said: Argentina will not be entering the “reclaim a small island” comp after a savage loss in 82- a non olympic year.

[12:11:10 AM] Oh said: i am so conflicted. brazil has better women but argentina is more beautiful, has better wineries, beef and skiing.

[12:11:46 AM] Thomasr said: which one has better lotto draw show? thats how I decide.

[12:12:24 AM] Oh said: the audience is dictator central.

[12:12:50 AM] Thomasr said: I note that Mugabe was asked not to attend. Not for political reasons, but due to space.

[12:13:51 AM] Thomasr said: Great Britain – is their entire team made up of flight attendants?

[12:18:50 AM] Oh said: french uniform disappoints.

[12:19:35 AM] Oh said: although Poland made them look good.

[12:20:24 AM] Thomasr said: Anything that requires Poland to make it look good is having an off night.

[12:21:21 AM] Thomasr said: Bangladesh will be strong in swimming if that global warming caper gets going.

[12:22:23 AM] Oh said: 150 million people. six athletes.

[12:22:25 AM] Thomasr said: When your flag bearer is a para olympian, someone has the calendar screwed up.

[12:23:20 AM] Thomasr said: Bangladesh have 6 athletes this time round. By 2020 they’ll have 120 million swimmers.

[12:23:59 AM] Thomasr said: Sandy’s usually drunk by now. It’s after midnight Oz time. He’ll start swearing soon, mark me.

[12:23:59 AM] Oh said: Kuwait sent the royal family gun club

[12:24:12 AM] Thomasr said: ..and the falconers.

[12:25:18 AM] Oh said: any fucking bump currently above sea level gets a run in the games these days.

[12:26:01 AM] Oh said: time to consolidate. if you don’t have a medal in 100 yrs of competition. too bad. you’re out.

[12:26:50 AM] Oh said: wow they love the hard men and assassins. (putin)

[12:27:40 AM] Thomasr said: The USA look like extras from a Village People movie.

[12:27:58 AM] Oh said: nice 1920′s Shanghai protectorate look.

[12:28:04 AM] Thomasr said: Actually is golf an Olympic sport?

[12:29:04 AM] Thomasr said: The black ones are the caddy’s. Big golf team though eh?

[12:29:52 AM] Oh said: dressed by Samuel l Jackson

[12:30:18 AM] Thomasr said: no wonder they are losing in Iraq- they are all in China.

[12:30:22 AM] Oh said: olimpify !

[12:30:54 AM] Oh said: loose lips, Sandy

[12:31:21 AM] Thomasr said: American Samoa- lemme guess hammer throw, Judo and eating.

[12:31:52 AM] Oh said: only 70 kg women’s judo. what about 159 kg?

[12:32:08 AM] Thomasr said: When asked about the host nation, the American Samoa judo expert described them as “delicious, but snackky”

[12:32:36 AM] Oh said: tastes like human. what do you call it?

[12:32:45 AM] Thomasr said: yellowcake

[12:32:50 AM] Oh said: hmmm

[12:34:03 AM] Thomasr said: their crown princess looks a tad blokey. like as in “an actual man”

[12:34:30 AM] Oh said: i think sandy might be a bit ‘off’

[12:34:39 AM] Thomasr said: Egypt haven’t been strong since the loss in ’68.

[12:35:01 AM] Thomasr said: Sandy OFF? he’s rarely on, and when he is on, it’s never when he’s on air.

[12:35:54 AM] Thomasr said: Lesotho are in sniper suits. Handy.

[12:36:27 AM] Oh said: another ugly mercenary war

[12:37:01 AM] Oh said: ahh african post colonial history.just one good news story after another

[12:37:29 AM] Thomasr said: the oppressors or the formerly oppressed.

[12:37:53 AM] Thomasr said: they should have a seperate category for countries with hyperinflation.

[12:38:21 AM] Oh said: georgia. coolflag !

[12:38:45 AM] Thomasr said: Norway and switzerland will be pissed however.

[12:39:18 AM] Thomasr said: Colombia- not so good in own goal soccer anymore.

[12:40:02 AM] Oh said: but still flying the flag for coke production

[12:43:12 AM] Oh said: haiti. they should make the voodoo final.

[12:43:24 AM] Thomasr said: are the czech team all Russian sailors?

[12:43:51 AM] Oh said: they are better dressed than the French

[12:43:55 AM] Thomasr said: If Haiti don’t make the final, then I worry about the teams that do. Shrunken heads all round.

[12:46:12 AM] Oh said: where TF is micronesia. are they a failed state in our neighbourhood

[12:46:46 AM] Thomasr said: another team that fail the “land mass above 100 metres above sea level”

[12:47:09 AM] Oh said: a good test. should be imposed.

[12:47:25 AM] Thomasr said: in 30 yrs it will be.

[12:47:29 AM] Oh said: the 2020 rule

[12:47:33 AM] Thomasr said: trial by water no less.

[12:48:17 AM] Thomasr said: Slovenia are wearing Oz’s outfits from the Prue Acton era.

[12:49:39 AM] Thomasr said: I think the Portuguese lost a bet vis a vis their outfits.

[12:51:11 AM] Thomasr said: Cameroon- another team there just for the food hall.

[12:51:44 AM] Oh said: is there anything bruce doesn’t know

[12:52:25 AM] Thomasr said: what the fuck Sandy is on about. Yes. Bruce certainly doesn’t know that.

[12:52:33 AM] Oh said: “…menstruating this week, but will come into her own next week..”

[12:53:20 AM] Thomasr said: For betting purposes we must know their cycles.

[12:54:19 AM] Oh said: how is sailing a strength in austria

[12:54:29 AM] Oh said: do they have a lake

[12:54:39 AM] Oh said: or did i fail geography

[12:55:52 AM] Thomasr said: They are all trying to sail away from Germany.

[12:56:13 AM] Oh said: sweden v dissapointing.

[12:56:27 AM] Thomasr said: Nauru- strong in birdshit but fuck all else.

[12:56:40 AM] Thomasr said: WHERE WERE THE HOTTY SWEDES?

[12:56:42 AM] Oh said: not what i have come to expect from my recent trip to stockholm

[12:56:52 AM] Thomasr said: that’s it. Cancel this shit.

[12:57:43 AM] Thomasr said: New Zealand popped by after a funeral.

[12:58:27 AM] Oh said: & 37 mechanics

[12:58:59 AM] Thomasr said: “uts ficked bro’”

[1:00:17 AM] Thomasr said: Serbia are not as strong in genocide as they were in 92

[1:01:30 AM] Oh said: no but some athletes ruled ineligible for further competition by the hague

[1:02:47 AM] Thomasr said: HA! due to excessive use of killing.

[1:03:30 AM] Oh said: well….if you wanna be a stickler for the rules…

[1:04:07 AM] Thomasr said: they used drugs like Lead. You have to be firm.

[1:04:34 AM] Oh said: nice polo hats

[1:04:49 AM] Thomasr said: shall we start a chukka?

[1:05:15 AM] Oh said: in doubt you have the ponies

[1:05:38 AM] Thomasr said: Christ the muslim countries will have a to call a pause to pray to mecca at this rate.

[1:05:50 AM] Oh said: monaco sent 5 accountants

[1:06:30 AM] Thomasr said: and the accountants accountant.

[1:07:25 AM] Thomasr said: JESUS H CHRIST IN A CHICKEN BASKET. The Aussies look like they fell in a toilet bowl of Jayes Blue.

[1:07:48 AM] Thomasr said: Please show Jessica Schipper. I need to throw up.

[1:08:17 AM] Oh said: sandy was thinking the outfits look shit but, give him credit as a professional, he said sensational (just thought “shit”)

[1:08:29 AM] Thomasr said: y’know there are 10K athletes and we sent 450+

[1:08:59 AM] Thomasr said: Based on our population China ought to have a million athletes.

[1:09:06 AM] Oh said: we bat above our weight. And boy does the tax payer wear it.

[1:09:07 AM] Thomasr said: and thats just in gymnastics.

[1:10:02 AM] Thomasr said: “China, with their flag bearer, the experiment/pituitary cancer sufferer yao ming”

[1:11:57 AM] Thomasr said: It’s great the way China can celebrate a person with gigantism.

[1:11:57 AM] Oh said: time to pull out the 12 yr glefiddich

[1:12:05 AM] Thomasr said: Amen to that.

[1:12:18 AM] Thomasr said: I have half a bottle of Mclaren vale

[1:14:29 AM] Thomasr said: Bruce just called Yao Ming a giant. So close to saying freak.

[1:15:03 AM] Oh said: righto. this looks over (as am i).

[1:15:12 AM] Thomasr said: I want to call equestrian “horsies”. Can I get a “hell yeah”?

So riding around the Formula 1 GP circuit on the way to work (how many people can say that?), the scooter stepped out and got up a nice ol’ wobble as she went round a corner. i knew straight away what the problem was. On inspection, I was right:

So here’s how I was situated. Stuck in the relative middle of nowhere. What to do?

Call Donny and get him to bring Holden’s BLOODY MARVELLOUSLY CONVENIENT VE Ute and pick me up:

He’s taken the little bugger to Brighton Kawasaki and hey presto it will be solved.

This is only my second ever flat tyre on a motorised bike. Weirdly enough, when Rachel and I went around Australia, we didn’t get one flat. 20,000 k’s no flats. The scooter? less than 600 k’s and we’re off for a repair. Don’t let this become a pattern.

Lord Paul Drayson:

With a seat in the House of Lords, a biotechnology fortune in the bank and good sight in just one eye, Paul Drayson is an unlikely candidate to become Britain’s next motor-racing hero. But yesterday the 47-year-old minister for defence equipment and support wrote one of the most unusual resignation notes in political history and told Gordon Brown he was standing down to pursue his dream of winning the Le Mans 24-hour motor race.

More here

I freaking love this- fake Harry Potter books are for sale in China! I am reading The Last Harry Potter as we speak (no spoilers please!), but I really want to read some of these:

Chinese Market Awash in Fake Potter Books – New York Times:

“These include “Harry Potter and the Half-Blooded Relative Prince,” a creation whose name in Chinese closely resembles the title of the genuine sixth book by Ms. Rowling, as well as pure inventions that include “Harry Potter and the Hiking Dragon“, “Harry Potter and the Chinese Empire,” “Harry Potter and the Young Heroes“, “Harry Potter and Leopard-Walk-Up-to-Dragon“, and “Harry Potter and the Big Funnel“.”

My guesses on the plot for these:
“Harry Potter and the Hiking Dragon“. The Dragon comes out of hiding with the crouching tiger and he’s ready for some campfire side fun. Kum bah yah and bring your own marshmallows to this rollicking tale!
“Harry Potter and the Chinese Empire,” A truly splendiforous tale about Harry’s life after graduating from the First Hogwarts Normal School of Hunan, when he travels with Professor Yang Changji, his high school teacher and future father-in-law, to Beijing during the May Fourth Movement in 1919. Turns out that Professor Yang holds a faculty position at Peking University. Thanks to Yang’s recommendation, Harry works as an assistant librarian at the University with Li Dazhao as curator. Harry registers as a part-time student at Beijing Wizards University and audits many lectures and seminars by famous wizards such as Chen Duxiu, Hu Shi, Qian Xuantong, etc. During his stay in Beijing, he read as much as possible, and through his readings, he is introduced to Communist theories. Read More
“Harry Potter and the Young Heroes” It’s Harry Potter, only with Young Heroes instead of those losers Hermione, Ron et al. About time eh?!
“Harry Potter and Leopard-Walk-Up-to-Dragon” Harry is very bored and sleepy while sitting with his older half-sister outside, until he sees a White Rabbit looking at his watch and talking to himself. He follows the Rabbit down a very deep rabbit hole and ends up far beneath the ground in a hall with a tiny locked door that leads to a beautiful garden. He eats and drinks things that make him change in size, but he is still unable to get through the door into the garden.

When he becomes huge, he cries in frustration and when he shrinks, he is small enough to swim around in a pool made of her own tears. In the pool, he encounters many creatures, including a Mouse. The creatures and Harry manage to get out of the pool and dry off, but Harry is soon left alone…
“Harry Potter and the Big Funnel” Simply put, this is the greatest Harry Potter tale of all. Let me set the scene..

Take one Harry Potter and add a fuck-off BIG FUNNEL and that’s about the sum of it. Harry Potter, BIG FUNNEL…!

*Details!!* I hear you cry?!?

Ok.

Harry P…& a Big Fuck Off Funnel.

The end.